Lie #16: Breast is best

I love nursing. Don't get me wrong. And I do think there is no other food for baby that rivals the incredible recipe of booby milk. But when I started getting infection after infection after clogged milk duct after bleeding nipple, well...I called it quits. So, I'm drying up.

No biggie, right? Boobs just get a little engorged for a day or two and then all's good. Well, I try not to miss school on account of my breasts. So I show up to teach, both breasts fully overloaded and looking like I just had the boobjob of my life, and ready to sucker punch any kid that tries to RUN AT ME LIKE A CHARGING BULL TO HUG ME. (Why do kids do that?!) God love 'em. Anyway, the sweet and thoughtful 'kinnygarden' teachers invite my class to go out front to see..... a cow milking demonstration. No joke, stay with me here. Let me tell you what I saw. (As soon as school is back in session I will download the pictures from the school camera and coroborate my claim...)

There's a van with a sliding door open and a cow called Ginger standing inside chewing on something out of a leather basket tied to the wall in front of her. A man who calls himself a farmer sprays the cows nipples down with some cleaning solution. Then he takes this massive machine that has four metal tubes sort of like a gigantic shower head except it works in reverse, sucking-not spraying-and flips a switch. Then,over the deafening sound he proceeds to take each metal tube in turn and put it right under a nipple. And slip, slap, sloop, the nipple is sucked right into the tube like some monsterous mechanical baby waiting to be fed who can't wait any longer. After he gets all four nipples securely sucked into the greased up surrogate calf, guess what this thoughtful 'farmer' does? He just drops the machine. That's right. He drops that robot sucker. So that this poor momma cow's udder is fully UNSUPPORTED as the bronking Decepticon sucker is having its way with her teats. It would be like me hooking myslef up to my dual electric Medela breastpump in a classy black vinyl carrier designed to look like a diaper bag, turning it on full blast and then standing up and bending over fully unsupported over my desk while I adminster a spelling test or something.

Into an oversized Mason jar I watch, almost in tears, as drop after gigantic drop of warm, creamy milk splashes and slooshes around, rising higher and higher to nearly fill the jar with steamy frothy milk. It was right about then that I passed out. I didn't go to school the next day.